I’m feeling better after my meltdown post this morning.  One thing that made me feel better was breakfast – some raspberries – directly out of the pint – and a Gardenburger chicken patty (random… I know…)

But the real thing that made me feel better was a package that arrived in the mail:

White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butter that Leianna sent to me!!!  We did a PB swap – I sent her some Cinnamon Swirl and she sent me the White Chocolate.  I was so excited, it totally made my day.  Thanks, Leianna!

You know I had to dig into that immediately…  no bread, crackers or fruit required.  I’m talking straight out of the jar with a spoon, baby:

YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM!!!  Perfect snackie.

I realized that in my post about my 20-miler last Sunday, I forgot to mention a couple funny things that happened.  At around mile 4, when it was just S and I, I was just running along the path when all of a sudden there was a skunk running about 3 feet away from me!  I couldn’t believe it – it was kind of an urban area of San Francisco, and I have never seen a skunk so close up before.  I tried to get S to hurry up and take a picture, but he was too slow and it ran away   It was really cool, although the other runners going by didn’t seem to care at all.  I totally stopped and was pointing like a school girl, and squealing “Oooh look, a SKUNK!!”  This one guy ran by and was definitely rolling his eyes at me.  He was probably thinking how I was ruining my PR for stopping to look at a skunk.

But I would rather turn my PR into a P U!!!  Get it?!?!  Yeah I know, I’m a riot.  I’ll be here all night.

The second funny thing that happened was in the very beginning of my run while I was running along the Embarcadero.  I was just running along, when who did I see running in the other direction but… Kath from Kath Eats Real Food!  It was really funny.  I’ve been reading her blog for a while, but never talked to her or anything.  So it was funny just to see her run right by me in real life.  I didn’t stop her to introduce myself, because I didn’t want to interrupt either of our runs, but I left a comment on her blog letting her know I saw her.  Kinda cool

Lunch today was a shrimp salad:

For an afternoon snack, I had some greek yogurt with a banana and some sunflower seed butter:

I also had some rice cakes.

and a banana.

I’m starting to notice that I get stuck in food ruts have certain food themes on certain days.  For example, today was seemingly a banana day… I ate 3 of them.  A few days ago, I had an apple theme.  Oh well, I guess those are healthy themes to have, right??

After work, S and I moved two more carloads of his stuff.  His apartment is pretty much empty now – we will do one final carload tomorrow and then turn in his keys and it will be official.  Look how empty it is:

And… I’m so happy… today I sold the dining room table that is sitting in my garage, and I also got rid of the sofa!  The sofa I just gave away, I don’t think anybody was going to pay for that thing and I was just glad to be rid of it and not have to move it myself.  The table I actually got a little bit of money for.  The couple who bought it gave me half the money to hold it for them, and then they are going to pick it up on either Friday or Saturday.  Woo hoo!!! 

Because of all the moving and the people coming to pick up the couch, we didn’t have dinner until around 9:30pm.  I made myself a stellar bowl of oats:

• 1/2 cup oatmeal
• 1 scoop protein powder
• 1 banana (melted in the microwave first)
• almond butter
• boysenberry preserves
• flax seeds

And dessert was a banana split sundae made with vanilla ice cream, banana, a crumbled Kashi crunchy bar and caramel syrup.  I may or may not have had a second bowl.

And now my stomach may or may not hurt.  I used up my store-bought ice cream, and think I’m not going to buy anymore for a while.  It’s apparent that I just can’t keep it in the house because I can’t control myself.

Time to hit the hay.  G’night, ya’ll.

I didn’t write a post yesterday for two reasons:

1. I was really busy
2. I had sort of a mini-meltdown

The day started out like normal.

My morning was full of meetings for work, so nothing new or exciting there.

Around lunch time, my Dad called me and I think that sort of started the panic ball rolling.  Until I moved to California, I lived in the same house (in Pittsburgh) my entire life.  Well, technically since I was 1 year old.  It’s a really nice house in the suburbs, on a cul-de-sac.  There were lots of other kids in the neighborhood so we were always playing outside in the yard, on the swingset, in our playhouse, etc.  We had one of those huge trampolines:

Yep, we even had that cage enclosure around the outside (my parents were terrified that someone would go flying off and break every bone in their body.)  The house was in a really safe and low-traffic area so we were always running around and taking bike rides through the neighborhoods and walking to the park where we would hike and wade in the creek.

The house itself was perfect to grow up in too.  Pretty big, with a huge yard.  Basketball hoop in the driveway, big deck out back.  We also put on an addition, which was a beautiful “sun room” with skylights, windows all around and a sliding door onto our back deck.  That was my favorite room in the house (besides my bedroom!)

Anyhow, I guess you get the point.  It was a really nice house, but more than that – it was my house.  The house I grew up in, the house with all my memories.  The house where we were actually one family together in for 23 years…  before the divorce and the fracture of our family into so many different pieces.  Through celebrations and tears, milestones and plain old lazy days, it was home.

Five years ago, when my parents got divorced, my mom moved out.  She bought her own house, and I always considered that “her house” and my dad’s house “my house” since that was the house I had lived in.  In 2008, my dad got remarried and his wife moved in with him.  And last month, they decided to put “my house”, which was technically now “their house”, up for sale.  They weren’t going to move far, just to a smaller house (now that they had an empty nest) closer to where they worked.  But I was really sad when I heard that they would be selling the house I grew up in.

I thought that with this housing market, at least it would take a while to sell.  I was hoping that they would still be in it the next time I made a trip home (which I’m hoping will be in the next few months) so that I could see it one last time and show it to S, who has never seen it.  But, they listed it and it sold in 2 days!!! Not only that, but they quickly found a house that they wanted, put an offer down and it was accepted.  They did a really fast close and… moved last weekend.

So when my dad called, he told me that they were officially out of the old house and in the new one.  Even though I knew all this was happening, for some reason when he called and told me that, it really hit me hard.  So many things have changed the past few years, but I always knew there was that one place I could go back to, to my small town, where I would always call “home”.  Not anymore – now it’s somebody elses home.

Now when I go back to PA, I will either be at my mom’s house or my dad’s house.  Neither are my homes, now I am just a visitor.

At the same time, the one place now that really is my home (my townhouse here in California) is in the process of becoming our home as S moves in.  I’m having a tough time with that, too.  Yesterday, I spent every second that I wasn’t at work being a “housewife”.  I did laundry, I cleaned the house.  I put things away, tidied up.  I made breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And all of a sudden, in the middle of the afternoon, I though… Is this it?? Is this what my life is going to be like from now on?  Are my carefree childhood days, and my independent early-twenties days gone??

I’m panicking.  It’s like we’re going all in now, our chips are all on the table.  And when I panic, I question whether we are doing the right thing.  But then I think of the alternative – S living somewhere else (and if he does, he will get an apartment closer to SF so his commute to work isn’t so long every day.  So we will be quite a distance away from eachother.)  And I don’t want that…

I guess I’m just scared.  And I guess that’s normal.  I feel like I am looking for something to give me some sense of security – to promise me that I am doing the right thing and that this relationship is going to last and I am not going to get hurt.  I never thought I would live with someone without being married to them – for some reason that stupid title symbolizes the commitment that I am looking for.  But I’m not ready to get married yet… if having someone moves into my house makes me have this much of a meltdown, I can’t even think about walking down the aisle.

This is what I want, it’s what I always have wanted.  So why am I so afraid of it???

As expected, I didn’t sleep all that much.  A couple of hours, on and off.  The alarm clock went off at 6, a little later than usual for my long runs, because my plan was to run 6 miles first and then meet Jana and Wanda at the Ferry Building at 9am.  I was already out of bed when the alarm clock went off, and so I went up to roust S.  Much to my surprise, he got up on the first try (that has never happened before!) and was ready to go.

He loaded the bike in the car, and I got in.  And then… he surprised me by pulling out my camera and starting to take pictures!!!  Isn’t he the best?  He thought ahead better than I did, and helped me to document my 20-miler for the blog!

Exhibit A – me sitting in the car while he gets the bike loaded:

Exhibit B:  Me sticking my tongue out at S taking a picture of the front of the car:

Breakfast on the way to SF was a Pure Protein bar:

When we arrived at SF, the sky was completely clear – not a single cloud – and it was already getting hot.  I was a little worried; usually the reason I like to do my long runs in SF is because it is foggy and overcast and cool.  While it has been almost 100 degrees where I live, near San Jose, it is always cool in SF.  Except for the day I have to do my 20-mile run, of course.    I complained a little bit, grabbed my visor (which I almost didn’t bring but was soooo glad I did…) and we were off.  S documented it for posterity

Here are our feet before we started

Yep, he got all angles.

The first six miles were pretty tough, I wasn’t feeling all that great, and I started to get really worried about the rest.

Also, there were sooo many things going on in San Francisco today.  First of all, there was Race for the Cure so there were people everywhere for that.  Then there was a free concert in Golden Gate park that they have every year.  Then there were about a zillion walks for some school, and there was a Giants game at AT&T Park… so a lot of the run was dodging the masses.

At 9, I met Jana and Wanda.  It was so great to see them!  We talked and then started running.

It was still soo hot and tough, but running with them made the time go by sooo fast.  Wanda is recovering from Runner’s Knee, so she did 11 miles (which was already a huge leap up from her previous long run of 7 miles… that girl is INCREDIBLE!)  Then Jana and I continued to finish the last three miles, bringing my total to 20!

Here’s the garmin from my run.

My total time was 3:14, and my average pace was 9:39 minute miles.  Not as fast as I want, but I’m definitely not complaining due to the large amount of people we were dodging, the sun and the heat, and our occasional stops to stretch Wanda’s leg.

So now I’m pretty much ready for the marathon!  I might try to do another 20 miler (or 22 miler) next weekend, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen because I have a project deployment for work next Saturday night and will likely be up all night working.  So maybe Saturday, we’ll see.  But if I don’t, I’m ok – most people don’t do more than a 20 miler training run for a marathon and they are fine.

Here’s a pic of Jana and I when we were all done (Wanda had already left and I didn’t get a chance to snap a picture with her there.  Boo!  Oh well, next time…)

I have to admit, I am so happy and proud of myself.  It feels so good just to be able to run 20 miles – slow doesn’t even matter.  I am so blessed!

On the drive home from my run, I had an apple, a clif bar, and a luna bar:

Then it was time for…. FOOTBALL!  Although it was a very disappointing day of football for me.  The Steelers lost in the second half, for the second week in a row.  To the flippin Bengals!!!

And even the 49ers, who I have been rooting for, lost.  Boo.

It’s ok, though.  Better to lose and learn now at the beginning of the season and then kick ass to get to, and then win, the Superbowl.   And we must keep in mind that Polamalu wasn’t playing.  He was at my house, giving me a long, relaxing massage after my 20-mile run

Some eats during the football games – my last monster peach and some mixed veggies with a boatload of hummus:

I snacked on some yogurt berry rice cakes – yup, right out of the bag, baby.

They actually weren’t that good – I picked them up at Safeway because I thought the yogurt part made them sound interesting and they were on sale.  Won’t be getting those again.

After football disappointment, we moved another carload of stuff from S’ apartment to my house.  It’s just the smaller, cluttery things now… which is of course making me crazy because my house is FILLED with STUFF.  And we just keep bring more over, and there is no where to put it.  I’m going to have a meltdown this week, I know it.

Dinner was a Sandwich Thin with Barney Butter and banana on one half, boysenberry preserves on the other half, and a Tomato Basil Gardenburger:

S was still on his picture kick, so wanted me to take a picture of his Mountain Dew Code Red for the blog.  He’s obsessed with that stuff, drinks it like it’s going out of style.  So, for your viewing pleasure:

For dessert, I made a banana split with vanilla ice cream, banana, hot fudge, and a crumbled Kashi crunchy granola bar:

And I had a second dessert, too.  I ran 20 miles today, I can have two desserts!

I topped off my night with some candy corn:

I am completely and utterly wiped out and can’t wait to get into my bed.  This has been a really great weekend – I hope it was great for everybody else too!!

G’night, ya’ll.

Actually, I had a total of four – yes, count them… four – apples today.  If the old adage is true… this weekend the doctor is far, far away from my house.

Today was a fun and relaxing day.  We went to bed pretty late last night, and I didn’t wake up until 10 today, which was fan-flippin-tastic.  I totally needed the sleep.  S was actually out of bed before me (only a couple minutes before me… but still.  I recognize a miracle when I see one.)

Breakfast was at Barnes and Nobles – two apples with my coffee, and a cereal mix of cheerios and Total Blueberry and Pomegranate.  Yes people, I drink my coffee with a straw.  Don’t hate.

S and I used to do Barnes and Nobles breakfast, coffee, magazines and talking, every weekend.  But the past few weekends with all the hectic-ness of moving, long runs, etc. we have let “our ritual” (as we call it) slide.  It was really nice to do it today.

Then we stopped by Target, where we finally got coasters for our coffee table.  It’s a nice, finished, wood coffee table… which we are slowly ruining by putting Troy on there, plus our drinks, etc.  I also snuck two very large bags of candy corn into our cart.  I must admit, I love love love candy corn.  I know it’s basically pure sugar and completely void of all nutrition… but damn, it sure tastes good.  I got a supersized bag of regular, good ole’ Brachs:

And, check this out… S‘MORES candy corn!  I’m pretty sure I squealed like a two-year-old when I saw that one.

And then, just when I thought my day couldn’t get any better, I got an email from Josie telling me that I won her Nature Made vitaminID givewaway!!  I was so excited, I have never won a giveaway before.  Thanks, girl!

When we got back to the house, I had apple #3:

Some zucchini with hummus:

And then some Bare Fruit dried apple chips:

Orange you glad I ate a different form of apple???

It was hot, hot, hot out today so S and I decided a trip to the pool was a must.  I have to admit, I have lived in my townhouse for over a year now and I haven’t once been to the pool.  Part of it was because until recently, I was not allowed to let my stomach see any sunlight (due to the scar still healing from my surgery.)  It was a year in July – that’s when I was allowed.  And since then, I just haven’t been to the pool… not exactly sure why.  So today we scoped it out, and I must say I enjoyed it.  The pool was freezing, but it felt good because it was so hot out.  And afterwards, since it was getting late and cooler, we went into the hot tub.

Here are some pics of the pool and hot tub in my complex.  I’ll spare you some pics of me and my battle scar – I’m still coming to terms with it and getting used to it.  I have what is called a keloid scar, meaning that it didn’t really heal properly so is quite visible and ugly.  Normal scars fade and are barely noticeable over time, but mine will never be like that.  Oh well… I don’t really care all that much.  And truly, it’s like a daily reminder of how valuable live and my health are, and how I want to live every day to the fullest.  And please note, my scar does not look ANYTHING like those frightful pictures in the wikipedia entry I linked to.

After some fun in the sun, it was din din time.  I decided I needed some carbs, to help gear up for my 20-miler tomorrow morning (which yes, I am very nervous for and trying not to think about.)  I had a Trader Joes goat cheese pizza that has been sitting in my freezer for a month or so, just waiting for the right occasion.  Sooo good.

I also had apple #4:

And some cottage cheese cheesecake pudding with a crumbled Kashi crunchy granola bar and freeze-dried fruit mix.

Now I am doing laundry.  Did I mention that S fixed the dryer again?  Keeping my fingers crossed that this time will be for good!

I am also eating some candy corn… out of the bag.  That’s gonna stop now.

Ok, off to get my Garmin and the rest of my stuff ready for my run tomorrow.  I am doing 20 miles in San Francisco.  I’m pretty excited for some of it, though.  Jana and Wanda, two of my running friends, will be meeting me for part of my run.  I ran the Silicon Valley marathon with them in 2006, and haven’t run with them since before my surgery.  I haven’t seen them since then, either – they both live pretty far away (about an hour) and have kids and a family so are very busy.  So I’m really excited to see them!  I will be running 6 miles with S to start, and then meet them for the remaining 14.  Hopefully it will make the mileage go faster and it will be less painful

Wish me luck!

G’night, ya’ll.  More tomorrow, as typing will probably be one of the only things I can do after this run…

MONSTER PEACH!!  Actually, I found out that my monster peach is actually called a “Prima Gattie” peach.  This, apparently, is a special patented type of peach.  Its website says:

The Prima® brand ‘Prima Gattie’ is a late-season peach, so nature has taken its time to develop sweet, crisp flavor, and colossal size.

Like whoa.  Colossal size.  That’s what she said.  And thus… the name MONSTER PEACH!!!  The peach that ate New York.

Just to further emphasize the monstrosity of this peach, I give you exhibit A:  monster peach next to the apple I ate along with it:

I hit up two of these puppies today.  That has to be the equivalent of, like, at least 6 normal peaches.  At least.

Midmorning, I had some zucchini and hummus to tide me over until lunch.  That’s what happens when I don’t have any protein for breakfast… just two monster peaches and an apple…

Lesson learned.

Lunch was a turkey burger salad, sorry the pic is so dark.

with romaine, zucchini, avocado, lean turkey burger, egg whites, cheddar cheese, and olive oil/vinegar.

After lunch, I had a woman scheduled to come over to look at the dining room table set I was selling.  It consisted of a dining room table, four chairs, a coffee table and a side table that all matched.  Now I am completely desperate to get rid of some of this furniture, because I am completely going crazy with it all in my house and in my garage.  So, for this nice glass-topped table set, I set a price of $75.  For the entire set!  I got lots of emails, but since I posted it on craigslist a lot of them flaked.  Yesterday someone was supposed to come look at them in the evening and never showed.  So I was happy when this woman actually showed up this afternoon, even though she was 45 minutes late.  I show her the set, and she goes “Oh, it’s really nice but…  I already have a dining room table.  I actually just need the coffee table and side table.  Can I just get those from you?”  And I asked “well, how much will you pay for those?”  And she goes…  “How about $20??”  I was like… are you kidding me?  So I said no, that I thought that was too low of a price because I didn’t think that I would be able to sell the dining room table on its own for too much.  So she sits there and thinks for a while (and the whole time it’s about 100 degrees in my garage and I’m missing work and getting more and more mad and frustrated.)  Finally, she goes: “How about $30?”  By this time I’m totally annoyed.  And I’m so desperate to get rid of the furniture, I just said “fine.”

I expected her to leave, because she said earlier that she was going to come over and look at the furniture in the afternoon, and then if she wanted to purchase it she would have her husband come and pick it up in his truck in the evening.  But all of a sudden, she goes… “I would like to just take it now.  I think it will all fit in my car.”  She had a Lincoln, but not one of those huge Lincoln Town Cars… rather… one of these:

Oh, and did I mention that she had her grandson with her?  And that he was in a baby seat?  Yeah.  So the back seat of this small sedan was filled with a baby seat, and she wanted to fit a large glass-top coffee table and a large glass-top end table inside as well.  Freakin woman.

To make a long story short, it took almost an hour to fit them both in.  And they were completely precarious… I wouldn’t have driven 10 feet with two huge pieces of glass propped inside the car the way that she had them.  But whatever.  I just wanted this woman out of my townhouse complex and out of my life.  The end.

So I’m kind of mad at myself, because I feel like I sold the two tables for way too cheap to a woman who was way too annoying, and now I have a dining room table that doesn’t match anything still sitting in my garage.  Argh!

I was going to take a day of rest today (and tomorrow) because I have my 20-miler on Sunday and my legs are quite sore.  But after this woman left, I totally felt like I had to let out some angst at the gym.  I just went and did 30 minutes on the elliptical.  It helped

Afternoon snacks included yogurt with a kashi bar:

And some more of my homemade ice cream:

A little before-dinner drama, of course.  I have to admit, it’s getting old….

But dinner was a turkey burger salad, which never gets old

And dessert was cottage cheese cheesecake pudding with Kashi GoLean crunch, two fudgsicles and a little bit of chocolate syrup.  A key staple.  Totally clutch.

Followed by an obligatory pre-bed pudding cup:

And we watched the movie “Crash” tonight.  I looove that movie.  I haven’t seen it in a while so forgot how much I love it.  It was the first time that S had seen it, and he really enjoyed it too.  It’s rare that I can sit and watch a whole movie without multitasking or having to take a break in the middle (especially one that I have already seen before) but I definitely managed to do it with this one.

Ok, bedtime for bozos.  Gotta get my sleep this weekend for my big 20-miler on Sunday.  I’m trying not to think about it….

G’night, ya’ll!

The past couple of days have kind of been a blur, due to moving more stuff, trying to sell furniture, craziness at work, and family drama.  I’ve actually been getting a fair amount of sleep, between 6-8 hours a night, but still feel exhausted.  I don’t think it is so much because I am doing anything physically difficult, but I think my brain is just on overload.  So for tonight and tomorrow, I am just going to try to focus on relaxing and staying in the moment.  Not stressing about my run this weekend, not stressing about food, not stressing about my upcoming trip or my family or my new “roommate”.  Just breeeeaaatheeee….

I started off my morning with a special treat – a nice big bowl of raspberries!  I really love raspberries, but rarely get them because they tend to be expensive.  They are on sale this week though, so I might even splurge and go back to the store to get some more

Yesterday I made an impromptu trip to the grocery store because I wanted to pick up a PB&Co Cinnamon Raisin Swirl peanut butter for my girl Leianna.  She lives in Iowa and has been unable to find it around her.  In return, I have some White Chocolate Wonderful headed my way, which I haven’t been able to find around me.  I can’t wait!!!  But while I was there, I also picked up some new monster peaches and a few other necessities.

Mid-morning, I snacked on a Kashi bar:

Lunch was the same salad as yesterday (and… I think the day before too…) with a little bit of different veggies mixed in:

• romaine lettuce
• zucchini
  
• egg whites
• roast beef
• cheddar cheese
• avocado - the special ingredient!!!
  
• olive oil/balsamic vinegar

Throughout the afternoon, I snacked on an apple:

Some blueberries with cottage cheese:

A protein bar:

And this beaut.  I used my ice cream maker (yes, I have one which I actually found in my closet yesterday) to make some “healthy” vanilla ice cream.  Then I put some on top of some cottage cheese cheesecake, and crumbled freeze-dried strawberries and Kashi GoLean Crunch on top.  Then I drizzled some “strawberry syrup” on top by adding a little water to some 100% fruit strawberry preserves:

Homemade Ice Cream (in ice cream maker)

1/2 Cup Egg Substitute
1 Cup Splenda Granular (I used half organic sugar, half splenda)
2 Cups Fat Free Half and Half
1 Cup Skim Milk
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon Lemon Extract
1/2 box (4-serving size) sugar-free pudding
1 scoop protein powder

Mix all of the ingredients in the blender.  Then pour in the ice cream maker, and voila!  Doesn’t get much simpler than that.  And it is delicious.

For dinner, we got my favorite – SUBWAY!  I had my footlong turkey sub (only 6 inches shown here.  I always try to just eat half first, and save the other half.  Never works.)

I also had some veggies, egg whites and hummus:

Finally, I had dessert – my cottage cheese cheesecake with fudgsicles on top, some Kashi GoLean Crunch and a little bit of chocolate syrup:

Nom, nom, nom.

I finished the first season of “Nurse Jackie” today.  That’s a great show, I really enjoyed it.  I read that it was picked up for a second season, yay!

Check out Allison’s anniversary giveaway on Green Dog Wine here, and Josie’s Natures Made giveaway here!!

G’night, Ya’ll!

I relaxed this morning with my tea – I stepped away from my laptop and work, and just sat at my (new) kitchen table and looked around my beautiful house with S’s new furniture.  My house looked nice enough before, my furniture was ok.  It just wasn’t new and wasn’t quite as nice and stylish as S’s.  When I moved to California, I started renting a one-bedroom apartment and just bought used furniture off craigslist.  I wanted to save money – I didn’t know how long I would be in the apartment, I hadn’t started work yet, and I wasn’t in a permanent place in my life where I felt like I should spend a lot of money on nice, new furniture that would last me a long time.  So I bought used stuff.  It was nice enough, and certainly looked nice in my house, but it was nothing incredible.

But now my house really looks good.  I guess… our house really looks good.  I have to get used to saying that.  A sharp black leather couch, a new coffee table, a new glass kitchen table with leather chairs.  Spiffy.  So I just had my cup of tea at my new kitchen table and enjoyed it.

More pictures to follow… as soon as I actually clean up.  Although I have nice new furniture, I also have basically all of S’s stuff lying around the house while we try to figure out what to do with it all.  So my nice new furniture is overwhelmed with approximately 3 feet of clutter

For breakfast I had an eggbeater omelette with cut up turkey, laughing cow cheese and broccoli.

With my coffee.

My midmorning snack was my last monster peach   I have to make a quick run to the store tomorrow, so I’m hoping that I can get some more!  I love those… the peaches that ate New York.  Muahahahahahaha………

I had a great day at work today.  I think I am going to be managing a new project in a new area, which is totally exciting for me.  Since I have only been a project manager for three years, I really want to gain new and different experiences and learn as much as possible.

Lunch was a delicious salad:

This masterpiece was:

• romaine lettuce
• egg whites
• roast beef
• cheddar cheese
• avocado - the special ingredient!!!
  
• olive oil/balsamic vinegar

So I was a happy Raychee post-lunch.

First afternoon snack was my Kashi/Fiber One:

And  bowl #1 of cantaloupe.  Oh… why am I the cantaloupe queen?  Because I ate an entire cantaloupe between the hours of 3-8pm today.  That’s pretty impressive if you ask me.

I also had a really great gym trip today.  I did 20 minutes on the stepmill (level 13, fat burning program) and 20 minutes on the elliptical (level 12, hills).  I was soaking with sweat by the time I was done… I looked like I had done a swimming workout

When I got home, I had two more bowls of cantaloupe…. finishing that baby off.

Nom, nom, nom.

I had a meeting at 6, and then had yet another stimulating discussion (about motorbikes) with S.

Dinner was another fantastic salad, because I was craving more of my avocado:

Basically the same ingredients as lunch, only with added steamed broccoli and with a cut up lean turkey burger instead of roast beef.  I heart avocado!

Dessert was my masterpiece from last night again:

• cottage cheese cheesecake pudding(frozen)
• chocolate pudding cup
• graham cracker crust crumbs

And my before-bed snack, some caramel swirl ice cream:

And unfortunately, although I am already very full, I just ate two fudgsicles as well.

I am pretty frustrated right now.  As I mentioned a few days ago, I am working on my intuitive eating and not tracking everything on Fitday.  But so far, I am just having a really tough time.  I am so used to eating at specific times of the day, I find myself just following my old habits and watching the clock to when it’s time to eat.  And by not tracking my calories, I am giving myself free reign in the evenings.  Every day this week I have eaten not just one, but two desserts (at least… sometimes three…) even though I am in no way, shape or form hungry.  And in fact usually am already uncomfortably full.

I am having difficulty reading and listening to my body’s hunger signals.  And I am having even more trouble giving up my routine and my control… it’s like I fear what will happen if I don’t eat a specific thing at a specific time.  The best example of this is my mid-afternoon cereal… I eat it every day between 2:30 and 3:00pm.  Whether I’m hungry or full, busy or bored.  If I don’t, I feel nervous.  It is very weird, and I’m not sure how to overcome this.

The real problem is twofold:

1. I have ignored my hunger signals for so long (first by not eating when I was hungry, and then by eating by the clock whether I was hungry or not) that I am no longer able to read my body and my hunger signals.
2. I use food to fill me up – filling up my stomach and my mind with food and eating rather than dealing with the real issues in my life that need attention.  This is the far greater problem.

I don’t have the answers.  All I can do is work this one day at a time and keep trying.  I welcome any and all suggestions, and of course, support.  But thanks just for reading

As I write this, S is working on fixing the dryer.  The parts arrived today.  Keep your fingers crossed… I really need to do laundry!  Soon my neighbors are going to come over and complain that they can smell me from their house

G’night Ya’ll.

This morning was one of those S-hits-the-snooze-button-10-times-so-Rachel-loses-an-hour-of-sleep kind of mornings.  Always a great start to the week.  It was quite a productive day at work, though, because I only had two meetings (very rare!) and had time to get done some of the items that have been on my back log for a while.

I got to start off my morning with my coffee and another one of my monster peaches, which made me very happy.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have my tea this morning… but that will be back on the menu tomorrow.  I wish I actually liked tea and didn’t have to force myself to drink it each day… *sigh*

Somewhere in between breakfast and lunch I managed to get a good amount of work done, plus talk to my Dad for a half hour or so on the phone, and then my sister for about a half hour through text messages.  Unfortunately, it was mostly about more family drama centered around my sister’s upcoming nuptials in October.  So another one of those days where I am actually grateful to live almost an entire continent away from the soap opera.

Lunch was a turkey salad:

I was feeling snacky all afternoon and had to literally keep drinking things and keep my mind occupied with work and other distractions in order to stop myself from going into the kitchen all day.  I’m not quite sure why I was feeling like I kept wanting to eat… it definitely was NOT hunger so it must have been some sort of emotional thing.  I think it is centered around all that is going on right now – the drama with my family, business at work, S moving in.  I am also starting to get really scared about my 20-mile run this weekend and the marathon in October.  I know… it’s only Monday and I’m already freaking out about the weekend run.  But my legs don’t feel 100%, and I didn’t run last weekend.  I get so scared for these long runs, it is so frustrating to me.  But I don’t know what to do about it or how to stop my fears running wild in my head.  The weird part is, I don’t even know what I am afraid of…

My first snack was my cereal.  Mixed it up a little with some Total Blueberry Pomegranate Flakes mixed in with my Kashi GoLean and Fiber One:

Then I had two Jello pudding cups.  This is one of the processed, junk foods that I would really like to eliminate from my diet.  I am making a pact with myself not to buy them again once these are gone.

I am still feeling really tired and a bit sore from all the moving last weekend, plus I had my basketball game scheduled for this evening, so I didn’t want to go to the gym.  I did get outside and do a brisk 2-mile walk around the neighborhood, though.  It was nice to take an afternoon break and get out in the sunshine.  But it was HOT!

After my walk, I had a meal of some Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal, some cottage cheese cheesecake pudding, and two fudgsicles:

Then it was time for my basketball game.  We had the 7pm time slot this week, which is nice because then I don’t get home too late or have to play too late (the later it gets in the evening, the more tired I get and the less I want to move.)  S wanted to come again, which I had mixed feelings about.  I kind of just want to go to my games on my own.  It’s not that I don’t love him or want him there, and I definitely appreciate his support.  But S is really competitive and everything to him is about winning and losing too.  I am competitive too – about most things.  But this basketball league is something that I do for fun.  Sure, I try to win and I know it’s a game and the whole point is trying to win.  But the main reason I play is to meet new people and have fun.  So it’s not a big deal to me if we lose a game.  I kind of take a “Oh, we’ll get ‘em next time” attitude, and then start laughing about funny things that happened during the game with my teammates.  But when S comes, we walk out of the gym and he’s telling me areas of improvement.   “You guys are great, but you just hold on to the ball a little too long before you shoot.  If you changed that, you could have many more points and definitely win…” or he is saying “Man, good game, too bad you didn’t win.”  Maybe I’m a little too sensitive to it, but I don’t want to hear him tell me that we lost.  Yeah, I know we lost.  Believe me, I know.  But I don’t want the focus to be on winning or losing – this is my fun thing, one of my stress relievers and my chance to just chill and have a good time.  In a way I sort of feel like he (unintentionally, of course) ruins that for me when he comes along and focuses soley on the competition.

But he came nonetheless.  And I liked having him there because I love him and love for him to watch me and be a part of the things that I do.  It was really a fun game.  And oh… did I mention… we lost?  Only by four points, though, and the bottom line is that I just had a good time!  We are a new team, as I mentioned in a previous post, so just met each other and are still getting used to playing with each other.  The other teams we are playing against have mostly played together for years.  So I’m proud of how we have done in our first two games.  I sort of mentioned something to S on the way home, about how he never focuses on “fun” but rather is always concerned about winning and losing.  But I didn’t want to get in a fight, so I just dropped it.  The thing is, watching me play basketball has made him want to start playing a sport again and he is talking about starting ice hockey.  But I don’t think he will just play it for fun, like I do.  I think it will just be another added stressor in his life because he will be so mad if (or more likely, when) his team loses or he doesn’t play as well as he thinks he should.  Oh well, he’s a big boy – I guess that’s his decision to make.

After the game, I made a big salad for dinner:

It had:

• romaine lettuce
• steamed broccoli
• egg whites
• a can of sardines (yes, I love sardines!!!  Omega-3′s, baby!!)
• swiss cheese
• almonds
• olive oil/balsamic vinegar

Yum, yum, YUMMERS!

Dessert was a Boston Cream Oreo Cookie holey donut:

Unfortunately, I had a meeting for work at 9   But it actually was pretty quick – scheduled for an hour but only lasted 45 minutes.  So no complaints here.

My before-bed snack was:

• frozen cottage cheese cheesecake pudding (this is DELICIOUS!!!)
• A chocolate pudding cup
• Crumbled graham cracker crumbs

I swear, sometimes I just outdo myself.

I just started reading the book “Twinkie Deconstructed” by Steve Ettlinger.  I have been wanting to read this for a while, but it has always been checked out at the library (and since there are SOOOO many books on my list that I want to read, I usually don’t buy books but rather get other ones on my list and wait for them to become available.)  It finally did and I nabbed it last weekend.  I’m really hoping that by reading and understanding where processed foods come from and the unnatural things that they go through before they get to my plate, I will further reinforce my attempts to eat natural, wholesome foods.  I have eliminated a lot of processed food items from my diet the past year or so, but I still have a long way to go and can use all the help I can get

Before I go – Missy is giving away Zevia soda!

G’night, ya’ll….

I officially no longer live alone.  It’s funny – before I moved to California, I had never lived alone.  I lived with my family, growing up (of course), then I lived with roommates and friends in college.  I lived with a bunch of volunteers when I was in ACE, and then I lived with more friends/roommates when I was in grad school.  When I graduated and moved to California, I lived temporarily with my boyfriend at the time who was working here for the summer.  However, it was always known to be a temporary thing – I didn’t have my own place yet, and he was only going to be in California until August when he would have to return to New York and finish school.  So that was kind of just like having a roommate, too.

When I got my own apartment and moved in, it was the first time I had ever truly lived alone.  And it was definitely tough.  I really didn’t know how to be alone.  I was in a new place, across the country from my friends and family.  Not only was I living alone, I also didn’t really have any friends or know anyone in the area so I wasn’t going out and doing things with other people either.  I slowly made friends that I hung out with sometimes, but I still had a tough time living alone.  During my first year or so, my disordered eating behaviors definitely got worse.  I didn’t really know how to deal with my loneliness, my fear, and all the changes that I had going on at the time…. so I used food to cope.  Obviously, that didn’t help with any of my problems.  Rather, it created new ones for me to focus on, and took my focus off of the fact that I was alone.

Over time, however, I got used to living alone.  I started to be able to tolerate it, and then actually started to enjoy it.  When I got JB, that definitely helped as well.  After two years, I really started to value my privacy and alone time.  I would welcome coming home to my own place at night, and having the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do.  I could sing as loud as I wanted, talk to JB, watch whatever I wanted on TV, or walk around the house naked whenever I wanted.  What’s not to like?  I didn’t realize how independent I had become until I went home to visit my family.  I was instantly thrown into living into my mom’s house and my dad’s house, along with my sisters, other family members, visiting friends, etc.  It was VERY overwhelming to go from being alone and doing whatever I wanted in my own home, to being under one of my parents’ roofs and being subject to their wants, needs, rules and schedules.  I often got frustrated or annoyed with my family for trying to make me do something I didn’t want to do, or invading my space.  Although I was sad to leave, I was relieved to be able to go home to the privacy, comfort and freedom of my own home.  That’s when I realized how much things (and how much I) had changed.

And now, for the first time since then, I’m living with someone else again.  And it’s even more than that now – I’m not living with my family or friends or roommates that I have been assigned to live with.  I’m living with the man that I love, by choice.  And that’s scary as hell.

It might be old-fashioned, but I always said that I didn’t want to live with someone until I was married.  That mindset came mostly from my grandma and my parents, although my parents are more flexible about it.  My grandma definitely isn’t – if/when she finds out that I am living with S, she is going to plotz.  From other people, such as friends and others, I have gotten mixed reactions.  Some people think that in this day in age, it isn’t reasonable to “settle down” with someone and/or get married to them without living with them first.  You learn a lot about someone, and your relationship with that person, by living with them.   No matter how much time you spend with a person, too – it’s not the same as living together.  You don’t get the little details and bits that you get once you live together.  I do believe that.

On the other hand, it sort of doesn’t seem right.  If you live with someone before you get married, then why get married at all?  Sort of like, why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free kind of thing… right?  And what is there to be “special” once you are married?  I always thought I would get married and then move in with my husband and it would be our big, special life change.  But now, if I am to marry S down the line, we won’t have that big life change.  Is that a bad thing?  I don’t know.

I have also read that the divorce rate is higher for people who live together before they are married than it is for people who don’t.  At first, that seemed very counter-intuitive to me… it didn’t seem to make sense.  But then, someone explained it to me – Once people live together, they feel more pressure to tie the knot since they are already a good bit of the way there.  It’s the next “logical” step.  So sometimes that pressure pushes people to marry who otherwise might not have gotten married, who might have realized their differences or broken up.  And so they get divorced down the line.  That makes sense.  And I can understand why it happens.  Two days ago, even though S was at my house all day every day anyways, I still technically lived alone.  If something were to happen tomorrow and we broke up, there would be no real strings or complications.  But now, just two days later, there are many strings.  And that’s scary.  All his furniture, all his belongings, are in my house.  And we are in the process of getting rid of a lot of furniture – mostly mine (because it is older and cheaper) but some of his, too.  We are moving further and further toward the point of no return.  Well, that’s a slight exaggeration – it is never really the point of no return.  But it feels like that.  If we broke up and he moved out in a week, I would have no bed, kitchen table, coffee table, couch… you get the point.

Of course, I’m not thinking about us breaking up.  I hope (and believe) we never will and that he’s the one for me.  But the bottom line is that you never know, and I am someone who always wants to have a sense of security and be in control of situations.  And now there is someone else in my life, sharing my house.  It will mean less control, more compromise.  I’m excited… and scared shitless.

With that preamble….

We woke up at 8:30 to have breakfast and then head outside to unload the Uhaul because we had to return it by 12:30.  And I had to be home by 1:15 so that I could watch the Steeler’s game   Breakfast was two pink lady apples and a Luna white chocolate macadamia nut bar.   I loooove that flavor!

It was much easier unloading the stuff this morning than it was loading it last night.  I guess part of it was because I had gotten sleep and it was a new day – I wasn’t nearly as tired.  Also, we didn’t have to take it down four floors, we only had to unload it from the truck and into my house and garage.  We finished by 11, returned the truck and did a major grocery shopping trip ($162!!!!).

I was starving when we got home, so had some veggies and hummus, a huge peach (I got monster peaches at the grocery store… they are the biggest peaches I have ever seen!) and a pudding cup:

I got a new flavor of pudding cup – Cinnamon Roll – at the store.  Super yummy!  I am trying to cut back on the pudding, since it’s not really natural, but I love that stuff and it is a great treat to satisfy my sweet tooth.

Then it was STEELER’S TIME!  It was a good game, but we lost in the end.  I was very disappointed.  I consoled my broken heart with brownies:

And then I went to the gym.  I was really exhausted from all the moving, but I was mad at myself because I didn’t get my 12 mile run in this weekend so I forced myself to go.  It was way too hot to run outside, and I was so exhausted I knew I wouldn’t get very far anyways.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and 15 minutes on the bike.  Definitely better than nothing.

When I got home, I made dinner.  A lean turkey burger on an oroweat sandwich thin with lettuce and a slice of swiss cheese:

Some chex mix:

And this fantastic dessert:  Cottage cheese cheesecake pudding, freeze-dried strawberries, and crumbled graham cracker crumbs:

It was so delicious.

My night snack was similar – Cottage cheese cheesecake pudding, two fudgsicles mixed in, and crumbled graham cracker crumbs:

Now I am sitting watching JB nibble on the pretty plant that S and I bought today.  I guess it’s our first housewarming gift to ourselves, it’s a Bromeliad:

Isn’t it pretty?  It’s name is Troy… after Troy Polamalu, of course.

Before you go to bed, check out Chocolate Covered Katie’s Chocolate Superfood Bars Giveaway!

And with that, my friends, I’m signing off.  G’night, ya’ll.

My alarm went off for my 12 mile run this morning at 6:30, but my stomach was having major cramps.  Plus I was completely exhausted – S was tossing and turning, snoring and occasionally letting out a loud yelp.  So it took me forever to get to sleep, and when I finally did I kept getting woken up.

So when the alarm went off, I got up to get ready, realized how much my stomach hurt, and went back to bed.  I figured I had the rest of the weekend to get my run in.  BAD MOVE.

The other day, we realized that this was basically the last good weekend we had to move S’s stuff out of his apartment (and into my house) before his lease was up at the end of September.  I wanted to hire a mover – he lives in a fourth floor apartment, and has a ton of big items to move such as a queen sized bed, leather sofa, huge entertainment center, two huge desks, a kitchen table and chairs, bar stools, etc.  But he insisted he wanted to do it all himself (which means of course that I had to help.  There was no way he could move those things by himself, so when he said by himself, he meant by ourselves).

We had breakfast:

After breakfast we went to Uhaul, rented a truck, a dolly and some blankets, and the pain began.  It was tough, and it was HOT.  We got it all done in just two trips between S’s apartment and my house, which was pretty good.  But it was so hard to move everything.

This is the very beginning of our first trip, we had just loaded the sofa, dresser, and desk chair:

The hardest things were the sofa, his stupid huge desks, and the big entertainment center.  That thing is huge, and we were trying not to take it apart.  We actually managed to get it through the whole fourth floor and down to the first floor and outside in one piece… and then found out it was too tall to fit in the truck!  So we ended up having to take it apart outside, anyways.  Argh.

Here is S taking it apart outside:

See that smile on his face?  He was actually enjoying himself moving all this crap.  And he was totally happy he got to use his new socket wrench tool set that I got him for his birthday to take everything apart!  Finally we got on our way with the first full load.  I followed behind S in my car to make sure everything looked ok the whole trip:

When we got back to my place, I had two Blueberry Muffin Pop Tarts.  I never really buy pop tarts because:

1. They are nutritional ZEROES
2. I eat the entire box in one day

But I got a free sample sent to me from Kelloggs, and so just had a pack of two.  Perfect portion control for people like me   So I ate them (frozen, my favorite!) as my afternoon snack.  Only took a pic of one, because that was all I had planned on, but the other one found its way into my mouth somehow.

Then we unloaded everything from the truck and put it in my house.  Well, I guess our house now.  It feels weird to say that…

It was getting dark by the time we finished putting the first round in my house and headed back to S’s apartment for the second load.  I was getting tired, hungry, and grumpy by this point – but we really had no choice but to finish since we had to return the truck tomorrow.  I snacked on another protein bar:

We finally finished loading up the Uhaul with the second round of stuff and drove it back to my place.  But that was it.  Our last load is still sitting out in the Uhaul truck outside my house.  We got back here at 9:45pm and we were exhausted and starving and just didn’t have any more energy to unload it all.  So we will have to wake up and do it bright and early tomorrow morning, as we have to have the truck returned by 12:30.

Dinner was a yogurt:

A turkey and cheese whole wheat pita:

Some cheddar cheese Chex mix:

And some ice cream for dessert:

And let me just say, every single bone, muscle and joint in my body aches right now.  So much so that I decided I needed a second bowl of ice cream.

So now I really doubt I am going to be able to get my 12 mile run in this weekend.  It is going to be 95 degrees tomorrow, even hotter than today, and we still have more stuff to move inside my house and then have to really figure out where to put everything and what we are going to keep vs. what we are going to give away and sell.  Right now we have two couches, two queen sized beds, two dresser sets, two sets of bar stools, two kitchen tables with chairs… yeah… you get the point.  And my living room is basically an obstacle course of every type of furniture imaginable.  It’s like one big opportunity to stub every single toe on both feet at least twice.  And then of course there are the knee bangs and leg scrapes…

Oh and…. MY DRYER IS BROKEN AGAIN!!!  I am so upset.  Same problem, the heating coil broke.  But the thing is, it broke in the exact same place so S took it even further apart and found out the reason why – this other little piece holding in the heating coil had a lot of corrosion on it so it was conducting way too much heat, and making that one little section of the heating coil too hot so it eventually broke.  So now S is trying to convince me to let him buy a new heating coil, but also a new part to hold the heating coil – and he says that will fix it for sure.  Meanwhile, I have to wait another week for the parts to come in the mail, spend another $100, and risk it breaking again or finding that the corrosion that caused the heating coil to break is actually the result of yet another problem.  it could be continuously ongoing.  So I’m not sure what I’m going to do… honestly, if it was up to me, I would probably just buy a new washer and dryer.  But S is fighting that, so we’ll see.

Ok, I’m going to bed before I plotz.

Oh, and I forgot to mention to my friends and family – L’Shana Tova, tikatevu!