Today was a hard day.  Once again, I find myself back at work while S is still on vacation.  It makes it hard, especially since I work at home.  I have to wake up early, while his lazy bum stays in bed until noon.  Then I have to try to get the rest of my work done while he is asking for breakfast or trying to get some attention.  And then, after he gives up trying to get my attention, I have to work through warfare as he blasts the enemy on the PS3.  It’s not easy to do project financial work while hearing gunshots and instinctively ducking your head, let me tell you.

Oh, and about the PS3 and game that I bought for him for Christmas.  He has literally played nonstop, except for the time that we were in San Luis Obispo.  Just in case you were wondering if I was exaggerating his game playing time?  I bought him Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare 2.  It has been four days since I bought it for him, and he beat the game today.  The entire game. So, as you can see, no exaggeration is necessary.

We also had a discussion which did not make me feel better.  I know that I have written several times about how my eating and food issues have caused problems in my past relationships, and how it has also been somewhat of an issue in this one.  Unfortunately, I do feel like that has gotten somewhat worse rather than better.  I take most of the responsibility, because I know the problem is my own.  However, S does very little to help or make anything easier for me.  Quite frankly, he doesn’t seem to care.

I know that’s not really true, I know that he cares about me.  But he just doesn’t get it.  And thus his actions show that… and come across like he doesn’t care.  For example, the past few days he has woken up at noon, while I am having lunch.  I ask him what he wants for breakfast, he has a piece of toast.  A piece of bread.  Ok, fine, it’s first thing in the morning, I get it.  A few hours later, I ask him if he wants something else, lunch or something.  “No, I’m not hungry.”  Ok then.  I have a snack.  A few hours later, it’s dinner time.  He eats a few Totino’s pizza rolls and some penne pasta.  Anything else?  Nope.  I eat dinner.  I eat dessert.  Would you like dessert, S?  “No thanks.”  Ok then.  Rachel goes to bed around 11.  S eats nothing else, and goes to bed at 1:30am.  Only to wake up at noon the next day (today) and do exactly the same thing.

This bugs the SHIT out of me.  Why do I care?  That’s the problem.  The reason I care most likely has more to do with myself then it has to do with him.  I am eating by myself, all the time.  I feel like a pig.  Which, of course, makes me want to eat more.  By myself.  Rachel the pig.

When I first met S, he was such a skinny little thing.  The first time I put my arms around him, I was shocked.  I could probably wrap my arms around his waist twice, it was so small.  And that bothers me SO much.  A big part of it is just physical attraction – I have always, even before any of my size or weight preoccupations began, been attracted to big, masculine men.  And quite frankly… S is small and European.  Basically the opposite.  I love him for who he is, and I think he is a good-looking guy, but I definitely have a hard time with some qualities.  The food and weight issues just compound these problems.  I am so uncomfortable being the “bigger” one in a relationship.  I am so insecure eating more and feeling fat and piggish.

So my own issues and way of eating, combined with S’s way of eating (or lack thereof) is causing problems.  If I say something about it, if I ask him if I can make him dinner or tell him he should eat more healthily and eat healthy, square meals a day, he gets mad and we fight.  He says that he eats when he’s hungry, and that’s the right thing to do and he’s not going to change.  But… I don’t think the way that he eats is healthy.  Sometimes he eats when he’s hungry.  Sometimes he’s doesn’t – simply because he’s too lazy or too involved in work or a video game.  And when he does eat, half the time it’s healthy (if I cook it for him).  The other half, it’s shit.  Fast food, fried food…  crap.  So, although I definitely have issues with my mental relationship with food and eating, I think that my overall eating habits are much healthier than his are.

He’s a big boy, I should just let him be, right?  But if I don’t say anything, I get upset.  I get worked up inside until I feel like I am going to explode and then I end up being not very nice to him anyways.  And at the same time, I eat alone, feel like a pig, and hate myself too.  It’s a lose/lose situation, and I don’t know how to fix it.

S thinks that the only way to fix this is to remove the preoccupation and obsession with food and health.  In a way, I think that he’s right.  He thinks that if I stop with fitday, stop posting what I eat on the blog… just stop thinking about it so much that the issue will eventually go away on it’s own and I can find other things in my life and not care (just like him.)  But first of all, I enjoy food.  And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.  I think that the majority of people on this earth enjoy food.  I look at other people who write food and healthy living blogs and take pictures and write about what they eat, and I don’t think that they have eating disorders or unhealthy relationships with food.  Can I do that?  Am I able to separate the two and just enjoy without obsessing and letting it consume my life and my relationship?  Or is S right, and I need to lay low from all this for a while to solve the problem?

I just don’t know.